What Do You Say In A Message On A Dating Site
Looking for some of the best opening lines for online dating sites and apps?
Ok, here’s the experiment. We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself. Online dating advice at its best. The result: Online dating advice at its best. Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit and we do! This makes a certain sense: You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to conversation, but no one wants to hear them.
The online dating world is competitive, especially for men. That’s why it’s important that you grab a girl’s attention fast. Besides setting up a killer profile, you need to have some great online dating openers ready to intrigue her.
During my 100-date experiment, I analyzed thousands of dating profiles. When you deliver awesome opening lines for online dating sites and apps, your chances of connecting with quality women increase greatly.
On the other hand, when your online dating openers fall flat, you’re basically guaranteed a hard left swipe.
But don’t worry. I’m here to help. Below, I have listed 31 of the top opening lines for online dating sites and apps. I’ve used my expertise to create these lines so that you don’t have to stress about it. And to keep you on track, I am also including an explanation on why certain lines work.
However, before we get into that, I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer some examples of what I consider the worst online dating openers. Avoid using these types of lines at all costs:
Anything explicitly sexual
“DTF?” NO!
Snarky comments
Negative openers. Women want positivity, so exude that in your messages
TMI. No one needs to hear about how crazy your ex-girlfriend is or how alimony has been a real b**ch since your divorce. Save super personal stuff for if you get to a third date.
“Hey,” “Hello,” or “How are you?” While these are certainly benign, playing it safe doesn’t mean you’re being strategic. Don’t open with something generic or boring.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, onto the…..
30 Best Opening Lines for Online Dating and Dating Apps
#1: Ask her a question about a passion of hers….
Take a good look at the question my test user sent to a Facebook Dating user in the above screenshot. It reads: “how would you end homelessness?”
Then see this woman’s 15 line response!!
Boom, a huge success. Here’s some reasons why my test user’s opening line is so powerful:
He asked a question and ended with a ?.
The question is about something the female user is passionate about.
The female user realized my test user took time to read her bio.
Guys, the clients of mine who have the most success always take the time to at least scan dating profiles of women who they’re interested in. They look for commonalities to try and create an emotional response. That’s the goal.
Now scroll through the below questions. Don’t just pick out a question and send at random.
If you see that a woman is super active, then send her question #3. If you see that she loves dogs, send her question #6. You’re always welcome to customize the below lines.
#2: “Serious question for you. Best discovery — avocados or Amazon?”
This line is an example of either/or questions. I love using these types of openers because it’s fun and prompts an interesting conversation. Also, this example offers a dash of humor. Whenever you can insert something witty, do so.
Line #3: “Which do you like better, hiking or biking?”
This is another example of an either/or question. However, the strategy here isn’t to break the ice by making her laugh. If she lists that she likes being active (hence the hiking or biking question), ask her what activity she likes best.
When you find out, you can craft a compelling date idea based on her answer.
Line #4: “If you were a fruit, you would be a fine-apple. Correction: An organic fine-apple.”
Now, you really need to gauge a woman’s sense of humor before going the cheesy pickup line route. This is one of the many reasons I encourage guys to read a woman’s complete profile before messaging her. Her profile is basically a guidebook on what types of things would be good to mention in an opening line and continued messages. Moreover, her listed interests are what you should use to plan the first date with her.
If she comes off as quirky and seems like the type that would chuckle over this type of line go for it. This type of opening line would work especially well if you meet her on Green Singles or if her profile indicates that she is very health-conscious.
Line #5: “Do you read Dr. Seuss? Because Green Eggs and DAMMMNNN!”
Like the third line, this is one that can be successful if she seems like someone who would enjoy this type of humor.
Line#6: “Question: Big dogs, little dogs, or this dog?”
In this opening line example, you would then post a picture of your adorable dog (or a friend’s) to compel her to respond. Cute animals are always a win.
Line #7: “Capo’s is where it’s at. Have you ever been to Grinders?”
If you live in San Francisco, you may be familiar with Capo’s. It’s an awesome place that serves Chicago-style pizza. Grinders is another place that serves deep dish pizza.
This example is drawing from something a woman listed as an interest in her profile and asking an open-ended question. You don’t have to use Capo’s, obviously, when you message a girl. But everyone loves to eat, so if she has a food-based interest in her profile, run with it.
Line #8: “Before we get to know each other, I just need to put it out there that I will kill all the spiders for you.”
No one wants to be caught alone in a room with a spider. Knowing you would be her knight in shining armor is a great and playful way to open*.
*Note: Don’t use this line if she has a pet tarantula.
Line #9: Don’t Use a Line, Just This Gif
When in doubt, gifs can make great opening lines on dating sites and apps.
Line #10: “So I guess this means we’re exclusive now, right? ;)”
This is a great way to flirt and be playful in your opener.
Line #11: “Anchorman was a great one — a classic, really. So what do we think about the sequel? Yay or nay?”
You don’t have to mention Anchorman, but any comment you can make regarding a movie or TV show she likes is a good icebreaker.
Line #12: “I love [insert comedian she likes here]! Have you seen [insert similar comedian here] do standup? He’s pretty rad as well.
Line #13: “You look like you could make any outfit work, but that cold shoulder just doesn’t suit you.”
This isn’t so much an opening line as it is a good response if you get radio silence back. I suggest always trying to overcome an objection a couple times before moving on.
Line #14: “Favorite comedian, actor, and singer? Go!”
This is another way to build rapport by finding shared interests.
What Do You Say In A Message On A Dating Site List
Line #15: “I just want to let you know straight away that I don’t send unsolicited dick picks. I do send unsolicited duck pics.”
Line #16: “I don’t mean to brag but I happen to be very good at opening jars.”
Like killing spiders, this is something that will never go unappreciated.
Opening Line #17: “I hear you like bad boys. I’m bad at everything.”
Line #18: “That’s awesome that you’re into [insert famous artist here]. There’s actually an exhibit on him this Saturday if you’re interested.”
Once again, I’m throwing in an “art” thing for the sake of an example. But you can use anything as long as it’s based on an interest listed in her profile.
When you hone in on an interest, use this to move toward a TDL. A TDL is what we here at EmLovz refer to as a date’s call-to-action. It stands for Time, Date, and Location.
Don’t wait too long during an online dating conversation to ask a woamn on a date that is based on her interests and offers a specific TDL. Doing this will make it way more likely for her to agree. Women, in general, like it when a man initiates things as far as a first date goes. If you cut to the chase and have a cool date idea ready, she will probably find it very refreshing and be more compelled to meet you.
Line #19: “You had me at cold cuts.”
This is assuming a girl said she loved cold cuts. But really you can use the “You had me at…” for anything and just insert an interest.
Line #20: “I’ll binge watch [insert show she loves here] with you anytime.”
Line #21: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like [insert actress/famous person she resembles here]? Only that you’re a lot better looking?”
Line #22: “I will brunch so hard with you if you let me.”
Women. Love. Brunch.
Line #23: “Do you think it’s strange when men say they’re fans of The Bachelor? And can you tell that this is my way of telling you I’m a fan of The Bachelor?
Don’t be shy about your love of #BachelorNation. We’re always looking for someone new to join the viewing party.
Line #24: “If you were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing you would have to have with you?”
Line #25: “Typical us, right? Me writing you messages and you not responding?”
This is a cheeky way to message her if she’s gone radio silent on you. Remember, you need to try to overcome her objection two times before moving on. So if she doesn’t respond to this line, follow up with…
Line #26: “I’m at [insert number here]. Give me a call if you want me to take you to get the best deep dish pizza you’ve ever had ;)”
Line #25: “When is the last time you sang to yourself or to someone else?”
Line #27: “You’re cute, but are you friendly?”
This is another playful line that can lead to some fun, flirty banter.
Line #28: “What are you most proud of in life, but never have a chance to share with other people?”
Don’t be afraid to dive a little deep. You don’t want to get overly personal, but a question like this can be a great way to allow you both to open up. Before things go too far, find a good point to ask a date using a TDL and you can continue these types of conversations face-to-face.
Line #29: “Are you a morning person or a night owl?”
Hey man, commonalities matter. What if you move in to a small 1 bedroom apartment with said girl and she’s up until 3 am while you gotta get up at 6am for work?
Line #30: “Let’s just skip to the important stuff. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?”
If her dating profile has concert pics this may be a good line to get a laugh out of her.
Line #31: “Should we talk for a while or do you want to just cut to the part where I take you out on the best date you’ve ever had?”
This may be a great line for my east coasters out there.
Line #32: “Molly, will you accept this rose?
What woman doesn’t love The Bachelor and want to be swooped up by Prince Charming?
Want More Opening Lines for Online Dating Sites and Apps?
If this list wasn’t enough for you, make sure to checkout a couple other articles of mine that are similar….
I also provide personalized coaching services via Skype. If this is more your style, then head over to my calendar and book a 1-on-1 session with me today.
During our introductory session, we will come up with a dating action plan that is tailored to your personality, concerns, and needs. We’ll also discuss my 3 month coaching program to see if it’s a fit for you.
7 Online Dating Message Tips That Will Get a Reply
- Online Dating, online dating advice, Online Profile
Our Online Dating Message Tips To Get (and Keep) the Conversation Going
So you’ve set up the perfect online dating profile with your best online profile pic. Now how do you start using this profile to start messaging people so you can meet them? It’s going to be awfully hard to meet them if you never communicate with them. While it’s true that there are plenty of fish in the sea …you’re never going to meet one unless you hook them with your fabulous online dating messaging skills. We’re here to suggest 7 messaging strategies and tips to take it to the next level so you can get the very most out of your online dating experience.
The first step is to get out there and start contacting people that you think you may be interested in. Make that first contact. But what good is sending a message if you can’t even get an initial response? You could send message after message trying to start up that first conversation with people you’re interested in. But, if you’re not getting any responses, there may be something wrong with your strategy.
After all, if the message you send never gets a response, what’s the point. If you want a reply, read on. We’re sharing 7 online dating message tips that will actually get you somewhere. All of the major dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com have done countless studies on what seems to drive the most responses on their individual platforms. We’ve distilled these down and added a few of our own to make it easy for you to get the ball rolling with whoever catches your eye.
7 Online Dating Message Tips:
1. Get Going With An Unusual Greeting in Your First Message
Start strong with your salutation.
You’ll want your first impression to do just that—make an impression. So, use an unusual greeting. If someone is getting dozens of messages a day, you need to find a way to stand out from the others. It’s too easy to pass by you if you say the exact same thing that twenty other people say in their first message.
Statistics show that the 3 most popular ways to greet someone in an online dating message were actually bad beginnings.
These top 3 intros to avoid include “hi,” “hey,” and “hello.” “Hi” is the most common first message, used by about 23% of men. So, if you think you’re standing out, you’re actually standing in a group of probably ten or so people.
Sorry if these have been your go-to’s, but it’s time to switch things up. These may be fine in real life where the person can see you and read your body language, but over an online message, that’s not much to start a conversation on.
Instead, opt for options such as the next three most popular greetings, which perform better with response ratings.
These include “how’s it going,” “what’s up,” and even “yo.” All were shown to get more replies than the more standard “hellos.”
When you start with a question, like “how’s it going,” you give the recipient a chance to send a reply with a little more substance. They may tell you about their day, their work, their weekend plans, etc. Then you can respond to those details and, boom, you’ve started a conversation.
Overall, it’s better to use no traditional salutation at all than one of the top 3 introductions listed initially.
No traditional greeting at least earns the reply rate of 27%.
Overall, more informal standard greetings did very well. So rather than a simple “hey,” or “hi,” go for a “howdy,” which received almost a 45% response rating!
It may seem a little silly, but at least you won’t be one of the twenty “hey” messages in their inbox. You’ll show that you have at least a little bit of creativity.
2. Start Your First Message with A Question (One That Won’t Get You Stuck)
Out of all the online dating message tips, this one is simple. Lead with a question to get your online dating conversation started.
If you’re still not able to start conversations with the greetings mentioned above, maybe try something a little bit more personalized and to the point.
Browse through the profile of the person that you want to contact and see if there is anything that jumps out at you. Then, make that your conversation opener.
First, find common ground with your girl or guy. For example, maybe you both like hiking.
Then, begin a conversation about it by asking a question. With our example, you could ask them “Where do you like to hike around here?” or “What’s the best hiking trail you’ve ever been on?” Immediately, you’ll show the recipient that you’re interested in their opinion and that you share a common interest with them. This automatically establishes some foundation of compatibility in their mind.
People normally like talking about themselves, so opening with a question about him or her to get the ball rolling is a good way to improve your response rate. If you jump in by talking about yourself or your own likes, you may unintentionally come across as self-absorbed. Rather than ask about them, you’d rather talk to them about yourself.
About 14% of men start the conversation by talking about themselves. The three most common topics are their personality, career, and interests. These are definitely important topics to cover, but maybe start the conversation by asking about them and wait for your information to come up organically.
On a side note, if you ask about them but they never turn the question around to ask about you, that’s a good sign that they aren’t particularly interested. Even if they are interested, that’s a relationship red flag.
The goal is to start a conversation, not ask a one-sided or super general question such as, “what’s up?” This may still leave you hanging.
What Do You Say In A First Message On A Dating Site
While “How are you?” or “How’s your weekend?” are indeed both questions, these don’t actually start a substantial conversation. Within a couple of messages, the conversation may peter out.
More specific questions are the gas that keeps a convo going, so think of something more interesting or specific to ask than a “what’s up?”
3. Don’t Compromise The Convo With Physical Comments & Compliments
Data shows that avoiding physical compliments will benefit you in the end.
While this advice holds true for both sexes, it is mostly directed at men, considering they are more likely to mention looks in the first contact. In fact, 31% of men compliment women’s appearances. Of those, 51% sent a general message like “you’re hot” and only 22% of them sent something specific like complimenting their eyes or their smile.
It might sound strange, but no one wants to hear these physical compliments from someone that they don’t know. Data shows words like “sexy,” “beautiful,” “hot,” and “cutie,” do not receive many responses. It can come across as creepy.
Also, if the person that you are messaging is looking for a long-term relationship, a message about their looks may send the signal that you’re just looking for something casual and physical. Because you may not be sure what this person is looking for in a partner, it’s better to save these kinds of compliments until you’ve established some sort of foundation for the relationship.
Although, as we all know, people normally enjoy compliments, they’re not as big on pick-up lines. This especially holds true in situations when you have not met in person. Pick-up lines are usually seen as cheesy and impersonal. The same pick-up line could be used on the person after person.
If you aren’t taking the time to learn something about the person that you are messaging, they will be able to tell.
So, instead of messaging someone that they are “gorgeous,” mention the words “awesome,” “fascinating,” or “cool,” if you want to give a compliment. These words show much higher response rates.
Tell them that an attribute on their profile is interesting to you. To go with our earlier example, maybe the recipient has been hiking somewhere cool, like the Rocky Mountains. You could say, “It’s awesome that you’ve hiked in the Rocky Mountains. I’ve always wanted to go there.”
This will give them an opportunity to talk about their experience. It will also show them that you’re interested in getting to know who they are as a person instead of just being interested in their appearance.
4. Specifics = Success
If you’re hopelessly messaging and not really looking for a response (which likely isn’t you if you’re reading this post), then go ahead and continue holding vague and general conversations.
But if you want to hear back, bring up specifics.
Specific interests and precise reference words for those—such as “zombie,” “band,” “tattoo,” “literature,” to name a few popular ones—show to be successful.
These keywords are a little bit random and all of them will not work on every person. The main idea behind the success of these keywords is that you’re sharing more information. Instead of just saying “I like to watch TV,” maybe you can say “I love zombie shows.”
These kinds of messages are especially helpful if you notice a common interest in the other person’s profile. Maybe they show an interest in a specific band or video game that you like.
Bring this up in the first message, but make sure that you’re not just focusing on yourself. For example, you could say, “I saw on your profile that you’re a big fan of The Walking Dead. I love zombie shows! Do you watch Fear of the Walking Dead too?”
This establishes common ground and shows the recipient that you want to hear more about them.
The bottom line is: Leave the basics behind.
Research shows that most “niche” words have a positive effect on messaging.
Try talking about particular things that interest you or details that you might have in common with your message receiver.
5. “Don’t” Do “Dis”
You can consider all of the online dating message tips in the world, but if you aren’t literate when you put them into practice, it won’t do you much good. You need to be able to write well. How you say something is just as important as what you’re saying.
What do netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling say about you? Well, it’s not good, as these are all huge turn-offs and tend to make a terrible first impression.
Having poor language skills is a strong deal-breaker.
“Ur,” “u,” “wat,” and “wont” likely won’t get you any replies. These messages can look like scams or make you appear unintelligent. Both of which the recipient of your message probably is not interested in.
Instead, put your elementary education into play by using correctly spelled, fully written out words, with apostrophes where appropriate.
Correctly written but otherwise everyday words such as “don’t” and “won’t” (notice they include the appropriate apostrophe) have nicely above average response rates of 36% and 37%.
Not using proper grammar and spelling can also tell the person that you’re messaging that you’re lazy. They may think that you don’t really care about making a good first impression, which can cause them to believe that you don’t really care about being with them either.
There are exceptions to every rule, however.
In this case, the “no netspeak” rule isn’t set in stone since expressions of amusement are in fact accepted.
Go ahead and use “haha” and “lol” as you please, because both turned out in the sender’s favor with 45% and 41% reply rates.
Although less popular than “haha” and “lol,” another success was “hehe,” which received a 33% chance of response.
There really isn’t a lot of other ways to express that you think something is funny is a message. “Haha”s and “lol”s will convey that you are friendly and easy-going. If you never use those in your messages, you may come across as very serious and maybe even upset or rude.
The specific rules regarding netspeak are fluid. Play around with it a little bit. If you notice that you aren’t getting many replies, try writing them in a more formal or more polished way.
6. Keep It Short & Simple
Your first message should be sweetly simple and stay short. The average message is about 20 words. In my opinion, this is still too long. Try to keep it short, but definitely keep it under twenty.
Express your interest in their profile, and add in a question or two about things that you share in common.
A long message with many lines or paragraphs is too much and can overwhelm and turn the receiver (if they even finish reading it all).
The more you over-write, the more likely you are to come on too strong. The person receiving this message does not know you, and you don’t really know them. Sending a long message at first contact is odd. That pretty much means that you’re either assuming things about them or you’re only talking about yourself. Both of those are unattractive.
Since the goal of your first message is to continue the convo and get to know each other, leave the receiver wanting more (as opposed to already knowing too much)!
Don’t be an over-sharer. Wait for the appropriate time to give information about yourself. Make sure that the person you’re messaging is interested in you before you go on and on about yourself.
Also, maintain a message that is simple to start. What do you think of these online dating message tips so far?
While some people make the mistake of leading with a long list of questions on a range of topics, it’s best to just pick one detail you think is cool or something you’re curious about and stick with it to start.
The person receiving the message doesn’t want to feel like they’re filling out a questionnaire or taking a test. If you ask a lot of questions, you won’t really be able to fully talk about any of the answers. If you ask about just one thing at a time, you show that you really care about the answers and it gives you an opportunity to build a conversation around it.
7. Don’t Let Your Message Ratio Get Out Of Whack
In general, aim to maintain a 1:1 message ratio.
Multiple messages will overwhelm the receiver.
Unless you want to be classified as a crazy person or annoyingly needy, keep your messages to this plain ratio. You don’t want to be known as a “double texter.”
Messaging someone more than once without getting a reply is the quickest turn-off you can try. There are screenshots after screenshots online of conversations where one person keeps messaging without ever getting a response. It’s completely against messaging etiquette.
So then what do you do once you’ve messaged someone?
It’s simple—you wait.
Either has the patience or set your sights on something new, such as the thousands of other single people who could reciprocate interest.
Whether you realize it or not, repeat messages send even another message on top of what you’ve explicitly typed—“I am a needy creep with boundary issues.” If you send message after message, it can come across like you want to know what that person is doing every second of the day. That can be really overwhelming if you don’t actually have a relationship with the person sending the messages.
So, resist the urge! Do not send multiple messages.
In conclusion
All of these rules are just tips to help you get the conversation going. Some may work for you and some may not. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the recipient just isn’t interested for some reason. So, test out some different techniques and remember that sometimes you just have to move on to another person who may be more interested.
What online dating message tips do you have for us? Let us know in the comments how you make online dating work for you and/or which approaches you’ve tried have left you without a reply!
About the Author:
Claire Bahn has over 15 years of working as a personal branding expert helping clients build authority and influence through their online profiles and social media accounts.
Her background includes branding, public relations, Social Media and marketing, as well as, entrepreneurship. She has a passion to help executives, entrepreneurs and influencers strategize and create their best personal brand.
She is currently the CEO and Co-founder of Online Profile Pros and Stratus Branding. Ms. Bahn recognizes that first impressions are made online and the fastest way to achieving your goals is by taking command of your personal brand through your online profiles and social media. She started Online Profile Pros and Stratus Branding to help individuals create, maintain and protect their personal brands so that they achieve the authority, influence and trust the need to succeed at online dating or their job search.
She’s been featured in numerous publications and news outlets including Forbes and Entrepreneur magazines.
Ms. Bahn is a former model and actress, appearing in national ad campaigns for major retailers. An avid fashion/lifestyle blogger she’s a recognized influencer. Ms. Bahn holds a BA from the University of Texas at Austin and currently lives in the Hollywood Hills in Los Angeles, CA with her 2 red miniature pinchers, Beau and Trixie.